Top Ten Tips for a Healthy Relationship By Rabbi Judy Schindler and Ann Kreindler Seigel, LCSW, SEP

#1 – Partnership
Genesis 2:18 – And the Lord God said: ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him.’

The Hebrew ezer k’negdo can mean two things. It can mean that our partner is a help meet for us, lifting our lives and our burdens, or it can mean that our partner is a help meet against us challenging us every step of the way. Healthy relationships require work – a continual commitment to not only finding the right partner but to being the right partner.
Psychologically, this means allowing for a healthy flow in and out of connection. Partnerships that are healthy are ones in which the dynamic is I + You = I + You & Us not relationships where I + You = I (these relationships are narcissistic in nature) or I + You = You (these are codependent relationships) or I + You = We (these are enmeshed relationships).
In addition, in healthy relationships partners are able to make repair and accept repair. Saying I’m sorry is not sufficient unless the behaviors or words you are apologizing for are not repeated next time. Accepting repair is allowing the other person forgiveness if they, too, change their words or actions next time.

#2 – Making Our Home Our Sanctuary
Genesis 24:67 – And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her. And Isaac was comforted for his mother.

According to Judaism, our home should be our ultimate shelter and sanctuary – our mikdash miat in Hebrew, our small tabernacle. They should be places of wholeness and holiness. We should strive to fill them with positive words and actions.
Psychologically, this indicates creating a home where there is a securely attached, peaceful, content and calm environment. When there are disagreements, there is still unconditional positive regard for the other person and the conflicts are about issues, not about character.

#3 – Accepting Imperfections
Pirkei Avot 4:1 – Ben Zoma says: Who is wise? He who learns from all people. Who is rich? The one who is happy with her lot. Who is honored? He who honors all human beings.

We create healthy relationships by recognizing the good in our partners and loving our partners for who they are rather than trying to mold them into who we want them to be. While one should not live with behavior that is abusive or intentionally hurtful, healthy relationships are built through forgiveness and moving beyond mistakes and shortcomings of the past.
Unconditional love and acceptance is vital in all relationships. When we criticize or judge others, we create an atmosphere of shame (there is something wrong with me) and/or guilt (I do things wrong). We need to give those in our life and those we love the message that we love them unconditionally and as they are at all times and if we do not approve of a behavior we separate the behavior from the person.

#4 – Sanctification – Set Apart, Celebration, Fun and Play
Kiddush – Baruch atah… borei pri hagafen
Blessed are You… who creates fruit of the vine.

We say this blessing as we make Kiddush on Shabbat and as the first of the sheva brachot, the seven wedding blessings we say at a wedding.
Just as reciting Kiddush marks sacred time and the sheva brachot mark sacred relationships, nurturing healthy relationships means setting time apart for your relationship regularly. Make a set time each week or each day to connect with your partner and ensure that your relationship remains sacred and set apart. Have fun with your partner and make time for play.
For good mental health as a couple, have date nights. Invite each other out, like you used to do before you were married. Bring creativity and surprise to your relationship and encourage joy, laughter, loving and fun.

#5 – Compromise
Judaism is explicit in its demand that our homes be places of peace. The Talmudic sages argue about the direction of the mezuzah, the marker which sanctifies all of our sacred spaces. One Rabbi claims that the mezuzah should be placed horizontally and the other maintains that it be placed vertically. The Rabbis ultimately resolved to place the mezuzah at an angle – because they tell us that the most important value in the Jewish home is shalom bayit – of making compromises in order to have peace.

There are five types of relationship. Unhealthy relationships are those in which there is avoidance, or shut downs, forcing relationships (where one partner makes the rules and dictates the household) and accommodating relationships, where we meet our partners needs at the cost of ourselves and our own wants and needs. Healthy relationships are those in which we negotiate and compromise. Brainstorm ideas of how to solve conflicts and remember unconditional positive regard at all times for your partner.

#6 – Communication and the power of our words
Genesis 1:3 – And God said: ‘Let there be light.’ And there was light.
All of creation commenced with God’s spoken word. Hence Judaism teaches: “With words worlds are created—and with words worlds are shattered.”

We need to use our words to build up our partner and be very cautious about the words of criticism we share.

Incorporate praise and growth into your relationship. Bring yourself to the table and tell your story of your life, day to day, moment to moment. We are hardwired to connect and telling our stories with a beginning, a middle and an end, in ways that allow us to be vulnerable with each other, is the strongest way to connect as human beings.

#7 – Individuality – growing as individuals
A traditional Jewish wedding opens with a veiling ceremony called a bedekin. It is a symbol of modesty. It says that the marriage is based not only on outer beauty but inner beauty and that just as a couple needs unity they each need their individuality.

They encourage each other to continue to be individuals, while also sharing a life together. Don’t assume someone knows what you need and want unless you tell them and don’t assume you know what they need and want unless you ask.

#8 – Intimacy
Genesis 2:15 – And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

From the first couple in the Garden of Eden until today, our most sacred relationships are marked by intimacy. Make time to be alone together to share intimate conversations and to physically connect. Be open, vulnerable and authentic in your relationship. Value each other and never forget this is the person that you chose and the one who chose you. Hug, touch, and kiss your mate. Intimacy is not just about the acts of intimacy but also about showing someone, through the powerful love language of touch, that you are connected as a couple, and value and love being in their presence.

#9 – Listening
The watchword of our faith is the Shema, it means listen. Listen to your partner’s story.

Active listening means hearing each other and allowing each individual to have their own opinions, thoughts and feelings. Reflect what you heard them say, rather than defending yourself, preparing your response or sharing your own story. Their story is about them and they want to be heard, as do you. Hear each other, show empathy, compassion and love in the response. Tell someone “I’m sorry you are struggling with…” Don’t fix it for them or they will get the message that they are incapable or broken.

#10 – Oneness
Genesis 2:23 – And the man said: ‘This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh;

Continually work on your partnership. Share your lives, your responsibilities, your worries, your plans for the future, and your joys. Treasure the people in your life.